Reading
The older brother was angry and wouldn’t go in. His father came out and begged him, but he replied, “All these years I’ve slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. Yet when this son of yours comes back after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the fattened calf!”
Luke 15:28-30
Reflection
The oldest “oldest son” you will ever meet is an oldest daughter. Somehow, my social algorithm knows I’m an oldest daughter, and it fills my feed with reels confirming just how responsible, independent, dutiful, and caring a good daughter should be.
But with every positive that comes with being a good daughter, there is also a shadow side—so much so that there’s even a name for it: Oldest Daughter Syndrome. It is characterized by the following signs:
- You have an intense feeling of responsibility*
- You are an overachiever, Type A, and very driven*
- You worry a lot and probably have anxiety
- You struggle with people-pleasing behaviors
- You have a hard time placing and upholding boundaries
- You resent your siblings and family*
- You struggle with feelings of guilt
- You have a difficult time in your adult relationships*
At its core, “Oldest Daughter Syndrome” isn’t restricted by gender or birth order. We can all exhibit these traits. Consider the oldest son in Sunday’s scripture lesson—he definitely checks at least five of the boxes above (see the asterisks).
He resents his younger brother for living a carefree life while he himself spent years doing the “right” thing. He placed his trust in the rightness of his actions rather than in the loving relationship with his father.
As a recovering perfectionist (still working on it), the story of the older son has always resonated with me. It wasn’t until I experienced a major failure—losing a job, a core group of friends, and status overnight—that I learned what it was like to be the younger son. That failure was gut-wrenching.
But what I gained from that experience was the freedom of knowing that despite my failure, I was still loved unconditionally by God and surrounded by a core group of people who supported me.
When we cling tightly to doing the right thing, having the right beliefs, being successful, or grasping for control—anything that takes the place of resting in God’s unconditional love—we miss out on the freedom that is available to us.
There are still days when I find myself reaching for control, feeling guilt and shame for falling short, or being frustrated that others won’t do what I think they should. In those places, I still ask God to help me let go.
But I can say with complete confidence that I’ve experienced a release from anxiety and people-pleasing that can only be attributed to God’s healing presence in the midst of failure. Somehow, in the breaking, I have been set free.
So, where in your life are you acting like an oldest daughter or son? What do you need to let go of in order to experience the freedom that only God can give?
Prayer
Loving and merciful God,
I have been with you all these years, doing the right thing, trying to earn your approval.
I confess that I have measured my worth by my performance
Instead of trusting that I am your beloved child.
My striving has prevented me from enjoying the freedom you offer,
But you meet me in the broken places.
It is only through failure and falling short that I can truly experience your grace and mercy.
Help me to trust your faithfulness
And receive your grace without needing to earn it or pay it back.
Lord, help me to celebrate with you that I am fully known and fully loved by you.
Amen.
